[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
The booster protects against what, now?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.