Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
You Might Also Like
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Personal question. #JustSaying
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay