Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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A flock of dads is called a grill.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸