Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Cat.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.