“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
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“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
this is me
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy