the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.