Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
sry
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.