I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Got him!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet