I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”