Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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🤣🤣
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?