If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work