Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”