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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Who chose this font
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Phones down.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?