No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants