Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else