Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
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I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.