If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Its true…
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer