This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy