Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.