“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Happy Star Wars day!
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Don’t forget to tip your server
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.