Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400