My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession