I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
the world’s most popular steaming services
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself