(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
💻🤡
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Go hard or stay average
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.