Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.