And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.