#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.