At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Who does Amazon think I am?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.