baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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