On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.