Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
When I snag the last meatball.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.