Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
January has been Januweary
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.