Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV