Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
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You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
No. He’s not coming out to play
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.