HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is