I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Room with a view.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.