“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.