Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
…żyje?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.