I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Anyone really
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I’ve had relationships like this
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured