One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”