nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake