Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off