‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Bobby pin
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.