Software Development ⛵️
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fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My apartment is a mess, I should move