Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
October already? What’s next? November????
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas