Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.