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Check out the legs on this baby
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?