I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?