The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids