Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
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“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.